Tapenade

Looks like garden mulch, tastes like what it is: one of the glories of Mediterranean cuisine, which is one of the great arts of the civilized world. It is the easiest thing ever to make a jar like this:




ie, a double sized jamjar. Which is done like this:

One tin anchovies
BIG handful of herbs from the garden (oregano, golden oregano, thyme, rosemary)
A red chilli
Three cloves of garlic
Three tablespoons of capers (big ones, but the ones preserved in salt are better than the ones in brine)
Couple of sybose (spring onions)
A little tuna (optional)

Put all this, with a bit of black pepper, in a liquidiser. Add in about as many wrinkled oily Greek black olives as you can get in the bowl. You'll be stoning them as you go, because the good ones are unstoned. When the undersides of your fingernails are all black and you have more than 75 stones beside the whizzing machine, put the lid on and blitz. Pour in good olive oil the while. A teacup's worth in the first minute, then see how it goes. Probably the same again, and perhaps even twice as much, as you get it to the consistency of supermarket pesto. And a bit of lemon juice (half a lemon, perhaps).

Good as a dip, on toast, and poured over hard-boiled eggs. Especially nice for breakfast. Anyone over 8 years old who doesn't like tapenade is suspect on the food front.

Jigot of Lamb

That being the Scots way of spelling gigot. You'll serve it on an ashet. Thus we indicate that despite our geographical position on the extremity of the continent, our culture is substantially European.

Stud a leg of lamb with three or four cloves of garlic and some anchovy fillets (one small tin or half a jar). Brush with olive oil, thyme, rosemary and black pepper. No sea salt; the anchovies will be enough. Roast for 10 minutes a pound for pink (15 or more for well done) plus quarter of an hour. Reduce the cooking juices with a dash of white wine and a knob of butter. Serve with haricot beans and potatoes.

Spaghetti Bolognese

You may think you know how to make this. Perhaps you do. There are competing ideas, several of which are good, as there are with puttanesca or even pesto genovese.

This is one way. It is incredibly easy, but it needs one thing: time. Serves four, or six, or even eight, depending on appetites. It keeps well for a couple of days and also turns into good chilli con carne with the addition of kidney beans and more chilli.

Ingredients

Couple of onions, diced finely.
Couple of strips of celery, peeeled and finely diced.
Couple of carrots, peeled and finely diced.
Couple of cloves of garlic (Italan purists oppose this) finely chopped.
Pinch of chilli flakes or paprika
Couple of tablespoons olive oil
Knob of butter
Handful of oregano, tarragon and basil, very finely chopped
Half a glass of sherry/half a glass red wine
One and a half pounds lean steak mince, or a mix of veal, pork and steak mince
Four cans of tomatoes
Couple of tablespoons tomato puree
One tablespoon Heinz tomato ketchup


Dried Spaghetti
Basil
Parmesan
More olive oil


In a large pan, place the oil and the butter, the onions, the minced herbs and the carrots, celery, garlic and chilli. Soften over a low heat for 10 minutes. Add the wine and mince. After half an hour (adding a little water if required) put in the tomatoes, puree and very small squirt of ketchup (it provides the sugar and vinegar content).

If you have a few old vine tomatoes or cherry tomatoes knocking around (you probably do), chop 'em up and stick them in too. Season with sea salt and black pepper, and leave on the lowest possible heat for about six hours with a lid on.

If you can, check after a couple of hours, and add water if required, or even a splash of milk (sounds strange, but it is quite common in ragu).

When it's time for dinner, boil spaghetti for about 10-12 minutes, until sticky but still with bite. Drain. Toss with a little olive oil. Mix with sauce. Put lots of basil and grated parmesan on top. Serve.


The only bit of this recipe which cannot be adapted is the six hours bit. If your hob is unreliable, do it in the oven in a casserole dish.

Char siu pork noodles

I bought a jar of char siu sauce in Chinatown, but you can make your own:

Equal measures of: brown sugar, hoisin sauce, oyster sauce, sesame oil, mixed with double measure honey or golden syrup, shake of five spice, shake of msg, slug of something (sherry, vermouth, brandy), dash of rice vinegar.

Marinade a pound and a half of pork loin, in thick slices, for at least 8 hours. Hang them in the oven (200C) over a bain marie for 20 minutes (use a skewer and stick it in a shelf on the top rack, or use those S-shaped hooks). Take them out and brush on remaining marinade and, if not sticky, a bit more honey. Turn heat down a bit and give them quarter of an hour more. Take them out and let them cool. Boil noodles. Slice very finely the following: spring onions, ordinary onions, big knob of ginger, half a dozen cloves of garlic, chilis. Slice any of the following that you have: carrots, peppers, baby corn, green beans, mange tout &c &c. Get out large handfuls of frozen peas, soya beans, sweetcorn &c &c. Open tin of waterchestnuts, jar of bamboo shoots in chili oil (you'll only want a couple of tablespoons of it, but the rest keeps at room temperature for ages) and a bag of beansprouts the size of your head.

Heat 2 tablespoonfuls of sesame oil in large wok (one of the big Vietnamese aluminium ones is ideal, except that it gets too hot to touch) on very high flame. Dice pork into fairly small bits and chuck in with garlic, ginger and onions. Then add everything else bit by bit, moving the thing the whole time. You may need to chuck in a splash of soy sauce, water from the kettle or a little oil. You can also crack in a couple of eggs at an early stage so that they clump up the way they do in egg fried rice. Serve with chili oil, chili paste and jasmine tea to drink.

Ungrateful 4-year-old doesn't like it; make her cereal and eat her portion yourself. Go off to smoke and write letter to GP demanding he doesn't upload your details to centralised NHS database: www.TheBigOptOut.org